Quixjote Nova ~ Still Alive!

We should start a war game.  It has been awhile since we had one.  The posts should be short and insulting.
Everyone join in with whatever you want to post.  I'll go first.

Sonoko knocks Arkard off the ceiling with a huge book.  He makes a soft landing on the carpet but the fall causes his toes to bleed.  "Arkard, you jerk, you got BLOOD on my new beige carpet!  How could you?"  The doorbell rings.  Without waiting for anyone to answer the door, Wolf walks in...

Arkard gets on his knees and starts rubbing his toes into the carpet, getting blood everywhere. "There," he screams at Sonoko, "how do you like that!!!!"

the carpet sighs in displeasure

Sonoko hears the sighing of the carpet and starts to cry.   She quickly wipes away the tears so they don’t drip on the lovely carpet.  Running into the kitchen for Resolve Carpet Cleaner, she trips over Wolf and punches him in the nose for being in her way. Blood drips on the foyer tile forming a small dark puddle. With Resolve in hand, Sonoko shakes the can on the way to the computer room.  She sprays Arkard and the carpet in one single shot. Wow…what talent!  Foam oozes into the carpet and Arkard’s hair.  Sonoko styles Arkard’s foamy hair into pigtails.   

Arkard whips his newly-formed pigtails around, wrapping them around Sonoko's feet and tripping her. He then pulls out an electric hair trimmer and shaves her head.

As the trimmer gets close to Sonoko's head it sputters and coughs from the fumes of the resolve... resolving not to cut another hair again.. instead the Hair Trimmer wants to mix drinks!

Sonoko breathes a sigh of relief as the hair trimmer stops before cutting even one precious hair from her head.
She grabs one of Arkard’s foamy pigtails and pulls him into the foyer next to Wolf.  She waits to see what Wolf will do.  She wonders if Wolf is dead or alive.

A darkwood cabinet in the kitchen slowly creeks itself open.

The toilet seat is very unhappy.

((That is not true.  I just cleaned all the toilets yesterday!))

Arkard runs into the bathroom and rips the seat off of the toilet, thus making it even more unhappy. He throws the toilet seat at the open cabinet, slamming the door painfully shut. He then picks up the toilet seat and puts it on the back of Quixjote's wheelchair.

The ceiling - having previously been encumbered with the obnoxious prankster and then unceremoniously struck by a huge book - begins to rumble over the heads of Arkard and Sonoko.  It also doesn't seem too pleased with the hair trimmer, either.

Amazed at the abuse, the toilet seats heart breaks, and it crumbles to dust.

The carpet consumes the dust and turns neon orange.

Arkard tears off great big chunks of the newly orange carpet, lights them on fire, and, cackling gleefully, throws them at Sonoko. He then flicks his toes at the rumbling ceiling, spattering it with blood.

Having just had its first taste of blood, the ceiling goes into a rage and begins to collapse on and around Arkard, specifically aiming for his bloody toes (and anything else that may now be bleeding).  Must... have... more... blood!

Arkard starts his famous River Dance of Death. Feet flying everywhere, he kicks the chunks of falling ceiling right back into place and superglues them there. "There!" He screams. "Try falling apart on me now, punk!"

Sonoko hides behind Wolf using him as a shield.  He burns up before her eyes.  She jumps on Arkard’s back as he performs his River Dance of Death humming Celtic music as she enjoys the ride. 

clearly upset, and with good reason, at arkard, the orange flaming carpet attempts to entwine arkards feet in its threads

The carpet fails to entangle Arkard, as his feet are moving VERY fast. He then looks at Sonoko when she jumps on him, gaining the one-time ability to read her mind. "Why do you think this music is Celtic, when it is clearly Swedish-Scandinavian-Canadian punk rock?" After losing the ability to read her mind, Arkard throws Sonoko on the ground and dances on her ankles and elbows.

Sonoko tickles Arkard's feet, which causes him to pee on the carpet.   She swats him with a newspaper.

The ceiling uses its newly-found telekinetic ability to lift the recently-soiled River Dancer up to itself, then slams him back down to the ground, aiming for Sonoko (that book hurt, dang it).  It seems that the super glue gave the ceiling a super power (as it is wont to do) - too bad Arkard used all of it.

Arkard decides to show the telekinetic ceiling his mad dancing skills. He waits until he gets very close, then switches his dancing style from River Dancing to Break Dancing! Spinning and hopping faster and faster, he manages to create a vacuum around his feet that sucks the fire from the floor into the air, and the ceiling catches fire. He then breaks free of the telekinetic hold on him with his patented triple-twist hip-hop funky fun flip and lands on the floor, recieving a score of 100 out of 100 from three dance judges who happen to be in the corner.

As Arkard typed, the ceiling did indeed catch the fire.  It uses its ever-increasing power to form the fire into four equal spheres and tosses one at the show-off dancer, one at the book-thrower, one at the hair trimmer (for the heck of it), and one at the judges (who dared to give Arkard a good review).

Arkard effortlessly avoids the fireball with a vertical 360-degree Albanian squat-flip and laughs. The judges die horribly in a raging inferno, but not before giving the ceiling a score of 10 out of 100 for its unoriginal use of a fireball.

Chippy, the bucked tooth goldfish, who has "learned" to walk on dry land, materializes amongst the ashes and stares vacantly opening and closing his mouth.  The look in his eyes shows intelligence, and a state of dumbfoundedness at the specticale with which he is presented.

Arkard "accidentally" kicks the bucktoothed goldfish in the bucktooth as he lands.

Amazed at Arkard’s super dancing abilities Sonoko asks him for dance lessons.  “Do you belly dance too?”
Walking into the kitchen, she accidentally steps on the goldfish’s dorsal fin severely impairing Chippy’s ability to walk.
Removing a freshly made grasshopper pie topped with Cool Whip from the refrigerator, she waltzes back to the evil ceiling and flings the pie upward leaving it stuck to the ceiling.

The ceiling, still hungry for more blood, decides to eat the green stuff suddenly stuck to it instead.  Mmm.  It was certainly nice of the lady to give him such a tasty snack.   Obviously, the gesture must've been to make up for the book-throwing incident.

Forgetting its blood lust, the ceiling embarks on a mission to sample every flavor from the magic box from which the pie came.  With ease, it pulls the refrigerator out of the kitchen (watch out!), lifts it up, and begins to devour the fridge's contents.  Suddenly, the elevated surface stops eating as it remembers the kind lady gave him the pie.  In an act of benevolence, it takes a random food item (which happens to be a half-full milk jug) and throws it at Sonoko's upper back (the area of the body with which the ceiling assumes humans eat).  Satisfied the woman will like the gift, it continues its feast.

Sonoko doesn’t take kindly to being hit in the back with that expensive 100% organic milk.  Now what is she supposed to put on her Raisin Bran?  As she watches, the milk soaks into the carpet.  Her nasty German temper flares turning her into the incredible green hulk.  A HUGE, green fist punches through the ceiling.

As the monster's hand enters the ceiling, it feels the sensation of cold, mushed-up food.  Various liquids begin leaking down the hulk's arm.  All-in-all, it's quite disgusting.

The ceiling is as confused as it is in pain (in fact probably more so).  It's uncertain of: why the nice lady didn't eat the food it gave her (at least the carpet seemed to enjoy it), how said lady disappeared, and why the gloomy green giant is trying to steal its food (no doubt the monster's motivation for reaching into the ceiling's belly).

Whatever the creature's motivation, it must be taught that such actions are not to be tolerated.  Using the newly-emptied refrigerator as a bat, the ceiling throws Arkard into the air and swings the fridge at him in an attempt to hit the dancer toward the green monster (pun intended).  It then tosses the "bat" at the hulk for good measure.

The refrigerator completely misses Arkard as he performs his famous Limbo slide of sexy hawtness! He picks up Chippy sticks him in a jar full of flammable liquid with a rag, lights the rag on fire using the leftover heat from the burning judges, and throws the jar at the ceiling.

Oblivious to the various liquids dripping down her arm, the hulk punches angrily at the ceiling.  A woman dressed in a long gown circles the room holding up a large sign which reads ‘Round 2:  Hulk 4, Ceiling 0’.  Cheering emanates in the background.  Suddenly the flaming jar strikes the ceiling and hulk’s fist.  (Incredible green hulks tend to be very single-minded and incapable of multi-tasking.)   Hulk ignores the ceiling, throwing Arkard to the floor in a wild rage and proceeds to use his face as a punching bag.  Blood splatters everywhere.

"Wow," Arkard thinks to himself as he watches the blood fly, "it's a good thing that I managed to grab that bucktoothed goldfish as he fell, extinguish the fire,  and use him as a shield." "Sorry!" He shouts at the goldfish. Arkard then proceeds to the kitchen and starts making more molotov cocktails.

The hulk must not've noticed, but the jar did not actually hit the ceiling.  The surface was able to "catch" it just centimeters before it struck, and direct it toward the huge green fist.  Soggy food litters the room; falling out of each hole the hulk makes.  Again, the ceiling begins to rumble - this time from both anger and hunger.  It picks up all the dropped (and therefore ruined) food and hurls it into the kitchen at the dancing fool.  This causes the spectators in the background to scream "FOOD FIGHT!"  Unsure of how the monster evaded the fridge last time, the ceiling again picks it up - this time slamming it (door hanging open) on the hulk's head.

The fridge hits the hulk on the head causing a momentary lapse of memory.  Released from her horrible rage, Sonoko is herself again.  She feels a terrible headache coming on.  She wearily walks into the kitchen for a double dose of prescription strength ibuprofen.  Of course, there is Arkard in the kitchen making his flammable cocktails and a huge mess.  Sonoko grabs a wet kitchen towel and whacks Arkard’s rear end with it several times.  We all know a wet kitchen towel whacking just has to hurt and burn too. I'm so tired...I'll have to deal with the ceiling problem later...

Arkard turns on the sink, grabs the little sprayer by the side of it, and proceeds to hose down Sonoko. He then steals the towel from her hand and uses it to light one of the molotovs, which he throws into the screaming crowd.

Sonoko goes out to the garage and gets the chain saw.  She proceeds to saw off Arkard's big head with it.

Then, she takes in after that dang sick excuse for a ceiling.  She saws up through the ceiling into the beams saying, "Eat this, baby!"

Arkard ducks the whirring saw blade and hits Sonoko in the behind with a molotov,  which shatters and lights her on fire.

Sonoko quickly sits in the sink and runs cold water over her behind.  "Arkard, you stink.  Let's get you cleaned up."  She puts dear, sweet Arkard in the dishwasher with Mango scented Cascade, pushes Pots & Pans, High Temp., Lock Cycle, and Start.  "I'll be back soon," she yells.   She takes a quick nap on her comfy waterbed, changes into her Hermes sandals (which caste haste), speeds into the kitchen and lets Arkard out of the dishwasher.  "Wow!  You smell good now.  Why don't you go trolling for girls?  Here's $25 for dinner and a movie, now go."

Sonoko continues sawing away at the evil ceiling while mumbling something about Arkard being a real pain in the butt. 

Sensing the impending chain, the ceiling did just as it was threatening to do.  You see, fire's close proximity to the ceiling over the last few minutes served to melt the super glue just enough for the ceiling to break free again.  It collapses to the ground, attempting to crush everything beneath it.

Sonoko evades the collapsing ceiling thanks to the Hermes Sandals.  As the ceiling crashes to the floor, the structural integrity of the house weakens.  The floor caves in taking Sonoko with it.  She finds herself under the house covered in pieces of carpet, wood and who knows what else.  Crawling along under the house, she reaches an air vent.  “Arkard, are you still outside?  I’m trapped under the house.  Stop trolling for girls.  I need you to blast me out of here!” 

Meanwhile, the senior citizen bus drives by.  The elderly ladies whistle at Arkard and compel the driver to stop.  They force Arkard to dance in the street with them. 

Arkard sees the bus full of old ladies coming. He grabs some random passerby and quickly dresses the man up to look like him. Arkard forces the man to take some anti-depressants and is soon watching as the fake Arkard is dancing wildly in the street, flinging little old ladies everywhere. Seeing a nice big pile of firewood where the house used to be, Arkard throws a couple of molotov cocktails on the wood and proceeds to make some s'mores.

The blast from the cocktails sends what was left of the house flying all over the neighborhood.  Sonoko finds herself in tree and quickly jumps down.  After eating all of Arkard's s'mores she looks at the place where her house used to be.  "I wonder if that possessed ceiling is gone for good.” 

Arkard steals back his s'mores and eats all of them before Sonoko can get to them. He then throws Sonoko into the middle of the street, where she is picked up by the man dressed like Arkard and thrown into the group of wildly dancing old ladies.

Sonoko makes all the old ladies get back on the bus by telling them they’ll be late for bingo at the Senior Center.  The man dressed like Arkard stands alone in the middle of the street zoned out from the antidepressants.   

The fire department arrives on the scene.  Since everyone in Ontario knows Sonoko, one of the firefighters throws her a hose.  She aims the hose at Arkard washing him into the storm drain on the corner.  Unfortunately, the little kids down the street removed the drain cover earlier in the day.  Arkard’s feet become trapped in the drain.  Sonoko drowns him with the fire hose.   

The water turns to liquid gold.

Now covered in solid gold, yet somehow still able to breathe and move normally, Arkard emerges from the storm drain. He manages to steal a fire hose from one of the firemen. Sneaking up right behind Sonoko, he turns the hose on full power. The blast of water is so powerful that it throws Sonoko into the air, and she lands in a tree and gets tangled up in the branches. Unfortunately, this tree happens to be near the burning house (which is Sonoko's house, by the way :)) and it catches fire.

the tree screams in pain. (a scream that makes your blood run cold.)

Sonoko feels sorry for the tree but immediately fixates on the now gold Arkard.  She frees herself from the branches with a machete inflicting more pain on the tree and swings to the roof of her neighbors’ house with a collapsible steel grappling hook.  With the hook still in place, she lowers her body to the ground and captures the golden Arkard.  She sells Arkard for $20,000 on the black market to a strange lady in India for her male harem.   

After pocketing the $20,000 from the lady for being such a great addition to her harem, Arkard mails himself back to Sonoko's house. He sends himself first-class, so he can enjoy extra comfort and the free drinks. Arkard then proceeds to create a fake business in Sonoko's name, and uses it to launder money and commit other illicit deeds. The FBI catches on to this and arrests Sonoko after an unidentified tipster tells them that she is secretly known as Mother Hen, the biggest mob boss in Oregon.

Unknown to Arkard, Sonoko has been working for the CIA for many years.  She puts in a call to Langley securing her release from the FBI.  She returns home as the workers are pouring concrete for the new foundation of her home.  She shoves Arkard into the freshly poured cement, which hardens instantly.

the ground below sonoko suddenly turns to silly putty, wrapings itself tightly in its sicky grip as she sinks to her hips in the fleshcolored ooze.

As Arkard is sinking into the cement, the gold starts reacting to the cement. Because of the strange chemical reaction, Arkard is able to float to the surface of the cement and walk on it. He walks up to where Sonoko is stuck in the ground and takes some of the silly putty from it. He sticks the silly putty in Sonoko's hair and proceeds to give her a really ugly Elvis hairdo.

Sonoko forms a guitar from ALL the silly putty and does her Elvis impersonation.  Singing Shake, Rattle & Roll, she knocks Arkard across the street with her hips.  Arkard lands on a fire hydrant and is attacked by mad dogs.

Fortunately, Arkard was able to get rid of the dogs by giving them all of the meat he had in his pockets. He then walks over to the nearest policeman and gets him to cite Sonoko for noise pollution, which incurs a heavy fine of $50,000.

Unfortunately with all of the dogs ravaging and making such a large ruckus, the Policeman didn't hear Sonoko with her Elvis impersonation.  After all, with a town as small as Ontario Oregon... You could hear those dogs from one corner to the other.  The policeman also points to a poster on the wall stating that there was an upcoming Elvis impersonation contest and says that Sonoko must just be practicing.

Sonoko ties up Arkard with the silly putty and throws him in the trunk of her car.  She drives to the state park (15 minutes away) and dumps Arkard into the Snake River.  She waves goodbye as he is trapped by the strong current.  Sonoko returns to town and wins the Elvis impersonation contest. 

Arkard escapes from the river by grabbing onto a passing speedboat. He then shows up at the Elvis contest and knocks Sonoko out with the use of a chloroform-soaked rag. He ties her to a chair and shaves off all of her hair. Arkard proceeds to glue a wig borrowed from Donald Trump to Sonoko's head with superglue.

Sonoko awakens to the nastiful smell of dead fish. Arkard is back from the river! She easily squirms loose from the chair and removes the Donald Trump wig, which is glued to her shaven Elvis wig.  She thinks about putting the wig on Arkard’s head, but decides he would not look good as a redhead with a receding hairline.  She uses the reminder of the superglue on the wig and whacks Arkard on the butt with it causing the wig to stick to the seat of his pants.

the wig is NOT ammused

Sonoko does not care if the wig is amused or not.  However, she finds it extremely amusing to watch Arkard walk around.   ;D

Arkard pulls the wig off of him and douses Sonoko's car in gasoline. He then lights the wig on fire and throws it at the car. Arkard sits back and laughs manically as the car burns.

Donald Trump catches his borrowed wig before it reaches Sonoko's car and says to Arkard, "You’re fired!"  Unflattering pictures of Arkard appear in the tabloids as Trump’s latest victim. 

One of the nearby dogs runs up and grabs Donald Trump's flaming wig out of his hand, mistaking it for a chew toy. Happily running off with his newfound toy, the dog accidentally gets too close to Sonoko's car and lights it on fire with the wig.

Arkard sues Donald Trump for defamation, and buys all of Donald's companies with the lawsuit money. He then hires a team of professional mimes and has them pantomime an invisible wall around Sonoko and the dog with the flaming Trump wig, trapping them in the space.

Sonoko ignores the invisible wall and drives her car to an undisclosed location before the fiery wig reaches it.  Returning to Arkard’s location, she enrolls him in a kindergarten class where the mean five year olds wipe boogers on Arkard at recess.

Arkard befriends the kindergarten kids and teaches them how to fire spitwads. They all lie in wait outside of Sonoko's house. They bury her under a mound of spitwads when she shows up.

Sonoko emerges from the spit-wad mound and takes a shower at a friend’s house.  She contacts the principal reporting the incident.  Arkard and his kindergarten buddies are punished by ‘staying in class during recess with their heads on the desk’ and ‘waiting in class after school until your mom comes to get you’.  Sonoko poses as Arkard’s mom and picks him up after school.  She puts him on the playground merry-go-round and pushes it so hard Arkard flies off, landing in the high school stadium.  The high school football players trample Arkard during their third round of practice.   

Arkard proves his toughness by tackling the entire football team. They respect him because of that, and they are willing to listen to him. Arkard convinces them to practice in Sonoko's front yard. Arkard, playing the position of quarterback, "accidentally" tosses the football at Sonoko as she walks out the front door. The overeager football team tackles Sonoko.

Sonoko walks out her front door dressed as a cute high school girl wearing faded hip hugger jeans, a tight t-shirt (that says “I ♥ boys”), gold-beaded flip flops and sunglasses.  She catches the football and pulls a hair stick (http://www.dressytresses.com/hair/gallery/instruct/china-sticks/default.asp) from her hair.  She walks up to Arkard and stabs him with the hair stick, which is really a secret Ninja weapon in disguise.  Blood drips to the ground, pooling around Arkard's feet.  Feeling usually evil, Sonoko twirls the bloody Arkard around and stabs him in the back just for fun. 

Arkard dies.

Somewhere a bunny wakes up from a nightmare of people killing people... only to think, "Food".  Upon going out to the garden, fails to see Mr McGregor's cat and is promptly caught and brought to Mrs. McGregor to be put in a pie.  The bunny dies.