Offensive War

[Sonoko]

Oblivious to the various liquids dripping down her arm, the hulk punches angrily at the ceiling.  A woman dressed in a long gown circles the room holding up a large sign which reads ‘Round 2:  Hulk 4, Ceiling 0’.  Cheering emanates in the background.  Suddenly the flaming jar strikes the ceiling and hulk’s fist.  (Incredible green hulks tend to be very single-minded and incapable of multi-tasking.)   Hulk ignores the ceiling, throwing Arkard to the floor in a wild rage and proceeds to use his face as a punching bag.  Blood splatters everywhere.

[Arkard the Mad Science Experiment!]

"Wow," Arkard thinks to himself as he watches the blood fly, "it's a good thing that I managed to grab that bucktoothed goldfish as he fell, extinguish the fire,  and use him as a shield." "Sorry!" He shouts at the goldfish. Arkard then proceeds to the kitchen and starts making more molotov cocktails.

[Hey You]

The hulk must not've noticed, but the jar did not actually hit the ceiling.  The surface was able to "catch" it just centimeters before it struck, and direct it toward the huge green fist.  Soggy food litters the room; falling out of each hole the hulk makes.  Again, the ceiling begins to rumble - this time from both anger and hunger.  It picks up all the dropped (and therefore ruined) food and hurls it into the kitchen at the dancing fool.  This causes the spectators in the background to scream "FOOD FIGHT!"  Unsure of how the monster evaded the fridge last time, the ceiling again picks it up - this time slamming it (door hanging open) on the hulk's head.

[Sonoko]

The fridge hits the hulk on the head causing a momentary lapse of memory.  Released from her horrible rage, Sonoko is herself again.  She feels a terrible headache coming on.  She wearily walks into the kitchen for a double dose of prescription strength ibuprofen.  Of course, there is Arkard in the kitchen making his flammable cocktails and a huge mess.  Sonoko grabs a wet kitchen towel and whacks Arkard’s rear end with it several times.  We all know a wet kitchen towel whacking just has to hurt and burn too. I'm so tired...I'll have to deal with the ceiling problem later...

[Arkard the Mad Science Experiment!]

Arkard turns on the sink, grabs the little sprayer by the side of it, and proceeds to hose down Sonoko. He then steals the towel from her hand and uses it to light one of the molotovs, which he throws into the screaming crowd.

[Sonoko]

Sonoko goes out to the garage and gets the chain saw.  She proceeds to saw off Arkard's big head with it.

Then, she takes in after that dang sick excuse for a ceiling.  She saws up through the ceiling into the beams saying, "Eat this, baby!"

[Arkard the Mad Science Experiment!]

Arkard ducks the whirring saw blade and hits Sonoko in the behind with a molotov,  which shatters and lights her on fire.

[Sonoko]

Sonoko quickly sits in the sink and runs cold water over her behind.  "Arkard, you stink.  Let's get you cleaned up."  She puts dear, sweet Arkard in the dishwasher with Mango scented Cascade, pushes Pots & Pans, High Temp., Lock Cycle, and Start.  "I'll be back soon," she yells.   She takes a quick nap on her comfy waterbed, changes into her Hermes sandals (which caste haste), speeds into the kitchen and lets Arkard out of the dishwasher.  "Wow!  You smell good now.  Why don't you go trolling for girls?  Here's $25 for dinner and a movie, now go."

Sonoko continues sawing away at the evil ceiling while mumbling something about Arkard being a real pain in the butt. 

[Hey You]

Sensing the impending chain, the ceiling did just as it was threatening to do.  You see, fire's close proximity to the ceiling over the last few minutes served to melt the super glue just enough for the ceiling to break free again.  It collapses to the ground, attempting to crush everything beneath it.

[Sonoko]

Sonoko evades the collapsing ceiling thanks to the Hermes Sandals.  As the ceiling crashes to the floor, the structural integrity of the house weakens.  The floor caves in taking Sonoko with it.  She finds herself under the house covered in pieces of carpet, wood and who knows what else.  Crawling along under the house, she reaches an air vent.  “Arkard, are you still outside?  I’m trapped under the house.  Stop trolling for girls.  I need you to blast me out of here!” 

Meanwhile, the senior citizen bus drives by.  The elderly ladies whistle at Arkard and compel the driver to stop.  They force Arkard to dance in the street with them. 

[Arkard the Mad Science Experiment!]

Arkard sees the bus full of old ladies coming. He grabs some random passerby and quickly dresses the man up to look like him. Arkard forces the man to take some anti-depressants and is soon watching as the fake Arkard is dancing wildly in the street, flinging little old ladies everywhere. Seeing a nice big pile of firewood where the house used to be, Arkard throws a couple of molotov cocktails on the wood and proceeds to make some s'mores.

[Sonoko]

The blast from the cocktails sends what was left of the house flying all over the neighborhood.  Sonoko finds herself in tree and quickly jumps down.  After eating all of Arkard's s'mores she looks at the place where her house used to be.  "I wonder if that possessed ceiling is gone for good.” 

[Arkard the Mad Science Experiment!]

Arkard steals back his s'mores and eats all of them before Sonoko can get to them. He then throws Sonoko into the middle of the street, where she is picked up by the man dressed like Arkard and thrown into the group of wildly dancing old ladies.

[Sonoko]

Sonoko makes all the old ladies get back on the bus by telling them they’ll be late for bingo at the Senior Center.  The man dressed like Arkard stands alone in the middle of the street zoned out from the antidepressants.   

The fire department arrives on the scene.  Since everyone in Ontario knows Sonoko, one of the firefighters throws her a hose.  She aims the hose at Arkard washing him into the storm drain on the corner.  Unfortunately, the little kids down the street removed the drain cover earlier in the day.  Arkard’s feet become trapped in the drain.  Sonoko drowns him with the fire hose.   

[LifeDebt]

The water turns to liquid gold.